And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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