when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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