Its about making memories worth repressing
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
