yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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