i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
