Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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