"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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