At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
whose parrot is this?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
