sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
