im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize