You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
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