I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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