No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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