Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
