the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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