Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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