Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
