low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
