we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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