wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I AM VODKA MAN
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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