So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
