I puked a lego.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
