im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
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Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
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He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My vagina just clenched in fear
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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