i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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