so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
