Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
