i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
