FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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