Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
