i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
