Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If I die, sorry about rent.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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