i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
