She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
