Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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