I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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