I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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