I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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