kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
