My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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