Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You left your phone here
Wait...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
