Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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