your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
