you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
