Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
