We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
