What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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