If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
