Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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