i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the day after is always just damage control
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
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