Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
