I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
