You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
