Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
