I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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