There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
