I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
