Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
