I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
