Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
