If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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