shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
We are two peas in an std pod
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
