New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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