Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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