so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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