oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
